At 37 weeks along with our sweet rainbow baby and just a couple of months away from moving our little family across the country, my anxiety levels are reaching all time highs. Though I am a relatively quiet worrier, I internalize a lot of what’s going on around me and I have mini freak outs in my head.
Changes and fears of the unknown can be heavy, really heavy, especially when they seem to all happen on top of each other. Though, I try to remain very conscious that we have a LOT to be grateful for and everyone has their own struggles and journeys that are much harder or just different than ours!
Currently in the thick of selling our beloved home and gearing up for a huge move, learning to truly “let go” of earthly and physical attachments as we downsize, has been a big lesson for both my husband and I. We’ve had to shift things around and let go (mentally, physically and emotionally) of a LOT. I’ll be real, when we are in good moods – we can see the beauty and peace in purging, lightening our belongings, focusing on what really matters and looking forward to this huge adventure. Now, when we are tired or overwhelmed – its a lot harder to see the beauty and even harder to accept it as the current path for our lives.
At the same time we are physically and emotionally detaching from our home, we still have a baby to welcome into the world and I feel like a mama bird without a nest! I know i’m not the only one to have done this, so I try not to focus on that aspect and really just remain grateful that we will still be physically living in the house when she arrives.
In regards to this pregnancy – I’ve said it before, as have many other mamas who have been in similar shoes, pregnancy after a miscarriage or stillbirth is just different. You have a heightened awareness of everything – the good and the bad. You are very aware of the possibilities that can happen during pregnancy – and it affects you mentally and emotionally. Worries, anxieties, fears, etc. coupled with never sleeping and feeling like you ate your couch it’s easy to find yourself overwhelmed and rundown.
One thing that came to me in my nightly course of third trimester insomnia/middle of the night snack session was God speaking to me the simple words – “trust me”. Simple right? Well before I knew it, I was laying in bed at 3AM repeating:
Trust. Trust in the Lord with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my spirit.
Inhale trust, exhale worry…
Inhale trust, exhale fear…
Inhale trust, exhale uncertainty…
Inhale trust, exhale concern…
Inhale trust, exhale nervousness…
Inhale trust, exhale weakness…
It was God telling me to acknowledge my fears and anxieties, present them to Him and relax. Inhale the peaceful trust in Him that HE is inviting me to and exhale whatever it was that is weighing me down.
So simple, yet just what I needed to hear.
Reminders Of God’s Faithfulness
It’s been really easy to get caught up in the chaos – my hubby’s work and travel schedule, selling the house, my own work schedule, parenting, pregnancy, purging things we don’t need, and everything else that fills the gaps in between. It’s easy to find ourselves sliding down the slippery slope of negativity, to want to throw our hands up and just say, it’s too hard, it’s too scary, it’s too exhausting, it’s just too annoying!! But, I know God wants and expects more of us.
There have been little “lights” of God’s grace along our journey (I don’t remember when/where I heard the term “light” but it’s in reference to moments where God has made Himself known and I loved the correlation between the two). His personal “trust me” message at 3AM was definitely one of those moments. But surely, these little lights are meant to be fuel for us to keep our heads up and keep on going.
Little Light #1 – We listed our house in the small window of time my husband was home between two multi-week foreign trips. It was important that he be home to help me get it ready for showings (keeping a house in “show” condition – while being a pregnant work from home mom with a tornado toddler is not my idea of fun). We ended up showing the house a handful of times over the course of two days and our house went pending. The first person who looked at our home, less than 24 hours after listing it put in an offer/timeline we couldn’t refuse! Literally… our ideal. My hubby left on his work trip, the rest of the selling steps have gone as hoped and I didn’t have to worry about keeping up with the house. A weight, a previous fear of the unknown, stresses over logistics, had been immediately lifted off of our shoulders. It was evident that God had a hand in it.
Little Light #2 – We squeezed in some last minute maternity pictures last week and let’s just say it didn’t exactly start off great. G was throwing award winning tantrums all afternoon so her eyes were puffy from crying, she was completely noncompliant (what else is new) and quite the little brat, the hubby was in a bad mood because, why not, and my hair went totally flat from the rainstorm moving in… BUT gosh darn we were taking pictures! It was important for us to get some pictures with our sweet rainbow baby still as our precious little bump!! Thankfully, everyone calmed down and the rain held off just long enough for us to get in some solid keepers. As we all turned around, there was a rainbow… a real life rainbow as we were taking pictures for our rainbow baby. Chills went down our spines, as you could literally feel God’s presence. You could feel peace and love in the air as God was speaking directly to us (and to my anxious mom heart) saying, “I’ve got you”. “I see you, and I love you”.
As a Christian, I know God is ALWAYS present, but when He decides to “show up” in our lives in more obvious ways – little miracles – it gives me this renewed sense of peace and extra boost in faith and hope. I love hearing how God shows Himself in other peoples lives, feel free to share your stories!!
// Maternity Session Images: Amy Jo Photography